Thursday, May 19, 2016

It's been awhile...

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Seems like I've been on an emotional cross-country trip and I haven't been able to get out of the car and just enjoy life.

Until recently.

Dealing with emotional stuff is a heavy burden. After being put on Wellbutrin a few months ago, it seemingly was going well, then I started having side-effects that I didn't like. After consulting my therapist I decided to get off of it all together. Surprisingly I feel clearer headed than ever. But it's taken me awhile to get here.

A few days ago, I met with my friend Christina for coffee at this little bagel shop, yes I had a bagel (sounds so good right about now) and ironically I ran into another friend of mine. So after my visit with Christina, Sue happened to still be there and we chatted for a bit.

Now these two women couldn't be more different in personalities but they are so dear to me. They walked with me through the traumatic experience I went through last year and I'm so grateful to both of them and their love and support of me.

One of the things I said to Sue was that I have felt that some of the people in my life have expected me to just go right back to the way things used to be but I simply can't. I'm changed. The experiences I had have caused me to see everything differently. I'm not the same person. I've been wounded so deeply it's scarred my soul.

I'm not even the same Christian. For awhile I didn't even want to be associated with Christianity. I don't think going through what I went through could possibly produce sameness. I see the scriptures so differently. I don't want to ever go back to who I used to be. I don't want to be associated with those who take "pride" in their religious position any longer. And frankly, after all the trash-talking gossip, shunning, public humiliation - ALL that and more, profoundly impacted me and I don't wanna be like that.

I'm reading a book called Scared Wounds by Teresa Pasquale and the validation it's given me has been so healing.

I definitely would recommend it. It's for those that have experienced church hurts and also for those who suffer from PTSD. 

I have quoted this book so many times on Twitter it's ridiculous. That's one of the things I love about Twitter is that you can Tweet as many times as you want in a day and no one complains about it. It's like journaling throughout the day. 

One of my favorite quotes from this book is "All the trials we endure cannot be compared to these interior battles," ~ Teresa of Avila  

Isn't that quote so true AND so validating! 

It's like she's saying, "I see you and the hurts that have caused you great pain. You are not alone."

Well friend, whatever you are going through right now I want you to know you are not alone. 

One particular verse that has brought me such comfort is Psalm 139:8, "...if I make my bed in Sheol You are there." Another version says, "...if I make my bed in Hell..." Sometimes it certainly feels like you're going through hell. 

But it's the message version that has brought such gratitude in me. It says, "You're already there waiting!" How amazing is that! I can't thank Him enough. 

So no matter where you're at in your life, in heaven or down in the depths, He is with you. 

Love and Peace,