I decided it was too heavy of a load and I didn't want to carry it anymore.
Now you're probably wondering, "What did I send off?"
Since writing Forgiveness is Friggin' Hard a month ago, I've continued to push through my feelings of forgiveness and what it looks like and wrestling with the anger and hatred I've felt. (Man hatred is such an ugly word.)
'Cause I don't want to be angry or hate anyone. Even if they hurt me.
But it's taken time to work through my feelings. It's not an over-night magic trick.
I think that's one of the reasons Lot's wife was told to not look back, but then she did and poof, she was turned into a pillar of salt. It's too much to look back. We can't go in the right direction IF we're constantly looking behind us, it truly destroys us.
And we can't move on if we're destroyed.
I was holding onto so tightly to "ALL the things they did to me," I was being suffocated to death. All the life was being sucked out of me 'cause I couldn't move forward. Basically I was turning into a pillar of salt, like Lot's wife.
I needed to do something proactive and quick. It was time. I started to picture myself holding a bird, and the bird represented the offenses I was holding onto. But ironically, it also represented me...and them.
At first I was holding it tightly but the bird was lifeless, like me. But I was being squeezed to death in the process!
I sucked in real deep, made my mind up to loosen my grip. It was time to release it. It was time to forgive.
All the things I learned from scripture, it was time to walk it out. I couldn't just say it to myself, I needed to say it to them, "I forgive you." It had to come from my lips, so to speak.
I had been listening to Rob Bell's newest robcast, Pearls and Pigs, and whata ya know, he talks about letting go. Geez Oh Pete.
Ya think God was talking to me?
I had my bible open to the passage he was using and was reading along. Oh my word, like a wave of urgency, "Julie it's time. Just set it free."
I found some empty cards, pulled one out of the package, laid it on my bible and stared at it.
But my brain started talking to me. It's like it was saying, "What are ya gonna write Julie? I forgive you and list all the ways you've hurt me?"
No, no, I couldn't do that.
Jesus doesn't require us to do that. AND IF I did do that, then I don't wanna forgive all over again.
I must look to Jesus. WWJD?
It had to be simple. Jesus is simple.
I wrote out their name and began to write.
I sighed reading it.
It was a sigh of heaviness transferring to the paper, but I also felt it was a sigh of relief.
I got an envelope, addressed it and off I went to the post office.
The closer I got to the post office, I imagined that bird I was talking about. I imagined, with flutters in my stomach, thrusting my hands in the air, and releasing it. As I opened my hands, wings flapping before it lifts off my hands and there it goes.
Oh I felt so much lighter dropping it in. No more chains of unforgiveness. (At least for now, for this person lol)
I wish I had been able to do this sooner. But I wasn't, and I'm okay with that. I'm learning to love myself right where I'm at, just like Jesus does.
I feel like I can finally move forward. And I feel like letting go is enabling me to breath again, and most important of all, living again. There's that sigh of relief.
Now I'm off to go do Life! Blessings to you all!
Peace and Love,