Wednesday, March 29, 2017

One More Time, R.I.P Christina

As I've pondered the loss of my sweet friend Christina, I couldn't help but think of the essay I wrote shortly after I met her, One More Time.

She was in fact my inspiration for this piece. I was determined to see her sobriety through till the end, but the kind of end where we laugh in our old age at the crazy stuff we did when we were young and how we made it out alive. But it wasn't suppose to end like this.  
I'm angry at her in a way because she knew the risks of what one more time meant. As a matter of fact she and I were walking the track one day and she shared with me the dangers of it. She explained that when a person has detoxed and has been off drugs for some time, especially heroin, and they take the chance of one more time, their body has lost the tolerance they once had to the drug. The addict attempts to use the same amount as they before the detox and it usually leads to an overdose. IF they overdose, there's a small window of saving the person. If the person is alone, who will be there to save them? Breaks my heart to think she was alone.

I hate that she took a chance of just one more time. I hate that it's her face I think of as I remember this...

One More Time

One more time means saying "Yes" again.
Yes to getting back on the bike again after falling down
Yes to doing something when I'm afraid
Yes to my marriage when we've seen more bad and ugly rather than good
Yes says, "I'm gonna find the good."
For the addict friend "One more time" could mean a choice between life and death.
Yes for an addict could mean, "This one last hit."
But one more time for an addict is like playing Russian Roulette.
It's like pulling the trigger of a loaded gun,
putting it up to your head,
and hoping the bullet doesn't enter the chamber.
Every time you pull the trigger and take the drug, you are taking a chance with your life.
But since nothing bad happens, you pull the trigger again.
One More Time could mean the difference between "it destroyed your brain and you no longer function normally,"
OR You've just OD'd and you're dead,
Or your family member,
Or your friend,
Or someone that just simply mattered.
LISTEN, You may think you have control over it but you DON'T!
It controls YOU!
Each and every time,
Deeper and further off the path of Truth.
Saying "Yes" means your saying "No" to something.
Look at what you've said No to...
No to Your family
No to Your precious kids
No to life
With Each and Every time you steal, manipulate, lie...
All for the next high
Is it worth it?
You've just sold your soul...
For a rock
Or powder
Or a drink
Or liquid in a freaking spoon
The insanity of it!
You've been Duped, Deceived, Snowed, Tricked, Trapped...
You are SELLING yourself for something that is DESTROYING you, little by little...
With every shot
Every snort
Every puff
Every single hit.
It's time to stop the madness
Get off the ride
To live again!
LOOK It's hard. It's REALLY hard.
But it can be done.
Surround yourself with people that will help you sort out the good yes's and the bad yes's.
You need a voice in your ear that will help you decipher the two.
To say...
Yes to life and no to destruction
Yes to peace and no to chaos
Yes to healing and no to perpetual sickness
Yes to hope and no to despair
Yes to redemption and reconciliation
This Yes ^^^
means you are saying Yes to Jesus.
He is Life and Peace and Healing and Hope and offers Redemption and Reconciliation.
Cry out to the Lord today and say,
Yes to Jesus.
He will give you the strength you need for the road to recovery.

Much Love and Peace,

*If you or someone you love wants help with addiction in their life here is the Nationwide Hotline. It's 100% anonymous. But please don't hesitate to call today.
1-800-821-HELP 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Recovery is possible.

*Originally posted 12-31-15

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Arrivederci Dear Friend

This piece was written by Christina Ivory. She battled with addiction for close to a decade.

But she worked so hard at her recovery. If a meeting was offered, she was there. Every single one.
This picture below was actually taken at Celebrate Recovery just a few days before she passed.

So it was to my absolute disbelief to learn she overdosed two days ago, after being clean for nearly a year. April 28, 2017 was her one year anniversary of sobriety.

Here's her poem, A Look in the Mirror.

I look in the mirror hardly ever. I wash my face without looking. I look up as I do my hair.
My heart is so blue. My mind doesn't know the answers. This isn't a test.
My soul is badly covered in soil I can barely breathe.
Is there a way out, I shout?!?!
This is such a deep hole it's hard to climb out.
I'm all alone in here.
I'm surrounded by turmoil, worms, lingering things.
The thoughts of, is there a way out?
Which way do I go?
How can I get out?
There's no map or atlas to direct me.
The one way has to come to an end.
Yep, that's how I fell in!
I need another street to take.
Will I make it out of here all alone?
I know I will one day be at the Throne with the correct piece!
God's here with me. I can feel Him.
I hope He will help me find the way.
So dark I can barely see.
The Pressures too much for me.
I just want to scream and shout, "Lord help me out!"
This is regret.
This is pain.
This is having no correct man to love me the right way.
The grief.
I'm overwhelmed.
I gave it to you, so it's a lot easier to me & for me.
I take the air in and breathe.
I'm starting to climb out.
My voice is getting calmer.
My heart is beating regular.
The Mirror just not yet.
Too much regret.
When I do peak, I see my mom and I think, that's what keeps me away.
The reflection I see in that mirror.
I love you mom.
I need you to say it in return.

I'm gonna miss you girl.

Mama Dixon, your A1